A new year and a new attitude

I've decided to change my entire dating style; it has proved QUITE unsuccessful.

By the way, not to stray from the topic at hand but my birthday was a BLAST!
My best friend came home from NYC just for me.
About 20 of my friends joined me at Bertucci's (you know, the better version of Olive Garden) for some delicious dinner.
I was shocked to find several of my friends bearing all sorts of different gift bags just for me! =)
I've never been the friend that gives OR receives presents. I think all that jazz is SO overdone and pretty much a huge waste of money, but whatever. I was ecstatic to open presents regardless of said sentiment. Plus at this point it was 8pm and I had been drinking since about 5:30.
Dinner was GREAT. I had stashed a small bottle of Smirnoff in my purse to spice up my otherwise boring Coke. Boy was my chicken marsala FANTASTIC. It was a very good dinner.

Following dinner, we all decided to go back to my friend Frank*'s place for some more fun. I have not been so drunk in quite a while. Holy shit. My goal of getting shitfaced was passed by FLYING COLORS.



My other goal was not. (hot boy in my pants) So, in note of this I'm changing my dating mentality.

To give a little background info:
By December of freshman year of High school, I had a boyfriend. He was my best friend, my first love, my world. This sort of love at a young age can really fuck with the rest of someone's adolescence. We didn't break up until August 2006, when he was on his way to college. Although I still loved him very much, this was my opportunity to experience something new. New at this point was a totally foreign concept to me.

I ran wild with this new freedom: taking whatever drugs that were put in front of me, hooking up with a few guys in one night, getting stoned friday night, wasted saturday night, only to wake up sunday morning and smoke more pot. side note: by "wasted" I mean smoking pot, drinking, and downing pills all in one night (a triple threat as we called it).

I have no idea why I did all this shit, but I did and I fucking loved it. I had never been a party girl with Tim and suddenly I was the girl people liked to get fucked up with. I would decide at the beginning of the party who I was going to hook up with and by the end of the night I would without fail every time.

Maybe this was all my way of self-medicating; trying to fill the enormous void Tim had so freely created.

Anyways, I've changed a lot. I don't do stupid shit like that anymore. I have actual friends now, not just ones I get fucked up with on weekends. My priorities are a little more in line. I like my life. I am sort of happy.

However, I live in a very small town. I have about 150 kids in my graduating class. AWESOME! This does not provide for very many men. All of the boys that are worth pursuing go to some far off college. I am used to being able to get any boy I want and now I really can't. The field has diminished down to a couple of mildly attractive boys, who most of the time view me as one of them. Funny how you males find neither my superb belching/smoke ring abilities nor my seemingly always unshaven legs, very attractive. (side note: It's winter and cold. The smooth shave sort of disafuckingppears when it is 30 degrees outside.)

This sort of constant rejection doesn't exactly do wonders for a girl's self esteem. Completely in the opposite direction, actually.

So, I've decided I will no longer search for a boy, as I have been doing since my last break-up (May) I refuse to try and hook up with any guys at parties. I will try to impress NO ONE but myself. I will work on relationships with my friends and completely ignore my love life.


I feel this will solve nothing but it's the only card I have left.