There's something wrong with me I think.
I smoke too much pot.
I care too much about Joe- he does not care for me at all I'm beginning to fear.
I care too much in general and I can't turn off this constant feeling of disappointment.
My mom says to me, "It's sad to me that you have no friends that care about you as much as you care about them."
Thanks, Mother.
I have no idea where I'm going to college.
I believe my life is at a standstill where something big is about to happen.
The future either holds a lot of good or a lot of bad.
I give so much and receive so little.
Even if people aren't, I feel as though I am taken for granted all the time.
I feel like no one cares as much as me.
My mother said that weeks ago, and I replay it in my head 100 times a day.
I am a slave to this false potential I see in everyone.
I constantly question, What am I doing?
No answer of reassurance.
I try to go from one high to the next and when no high is provided I feel so fucking low it's nauseating.
Whether the high is drug-induced or boy-induced.
Sounds weird, but the only time I ever feel "even" is when I'm with my family.
I love my sisters.
I love my father.
I love my mother but she drives me absolutely fucking crazy and has a personal agenda for every matter I take on.
I feel like my mother has ruined any chance I could be considered a rational person.
I have taken on all of her coping methods: bottling up all emotions and then FUHREAKING out later. I.E. this post. I get into moods where I'm convinced everything good in my life has suddenly gone to shit.
There is definitely something wrong with me.
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"One girl's emotional coming of age tale, reminiscent of "The Diary of Anne Frank" about her struggle to get fucked up and laid"- Patchwork
8 comments:
First I will say I feel you on the chasing of highs. But I think now that you're seeing it, you'll be able to start figuring out other ways to keep yourself level (and not in a regularly chemical way).
Second, your damn fucking straight you're on the verge of something. I don't know this for sure, but I suspect that you've gone to school with roughly the same people most of your life. I'm not sure where you've considered moving for the next four years but they're not all coming with you. And neither are your adored sisters, father or crazy mom. And it's going to be fantastic. Probably overdone and overdramatized from time to time but you're gonna figure a lot of shit out and you're gonna make better friends than you knew possible to this point. It's just a whole new ballgame from August on and I don't think that's subjective.
So take a pause now and understand that things are going to change and you just need to be patient (HA! Right...). You're quite fabulous beyond your years and it's about to pay off.
Thank You! seems to be the only appropriate response.
Don't worry, it'll all level out and you'll be fine.
But part of it is that this is just the shit that goes with being a teenager (shitty answer, but it's true).
Lastly, you've already hinted at the answer to all of this yourself:
...the only time I ever feel "even" is when I'm with my family.
Chin up kiddo, you'll be fine.
As for colleges, might I recommend MY alma mater? The good ol' University of Washington in beautiful Seattle. But that's on the west coast...
Which means you'd have to change the title of your blog.
This just got really complicated.
I don't think I can really add to anything else that's been said. It's all true. Your on the verge of something great. It might be scary but you'll love it when your living it.
Mortar- I really hope all of you a-dults are not bullshitting when you say it's "all apart of the teenage experience."
So@24- Uhh, well west coast is a bit far, no? But thanks for the tip!
Bunny- I know that college and all of its glory is only about 8 months away, but it's just the waiting/planning part that makes those 8 months seem lightyears away.
It's sad to say but you will be LUCKY to find two or three people who you can have something where youa re as close to them as your family in your whole life.
But, as you get older you get to where you kind of care less and in a lot of ways it's good, but then eventually I think you'll get to where you don't really care at all and it's pretty sad.
You're being so critical of yourself!!
Put down the pot, for starters, and then take on these issues one at a time.
You seem like a sweet kid, and I'm sure you're going to be just fine.
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